


Idiot Ichigo

by feedingtheflames



Category: Bleach
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Blame Urahara, Clone Children, Crack Treated Kinda Seriously, Don't Examine This Too Closely, F/M, Family Fluff, M/M, Think of Metal Gear Solid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8521588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feedingtheflames/pseuds/feedingtheflames
Summary: If there was a questionnaire stating 'Urahara gives the best presents' Ichigo would end up ticking the 'Strongly Disagree' box so fast he'd tear the paper and then his opinion wouldn't even matter. It doesn't. Urahara really does give the best presents.





	1. A Beginning May Be Difficult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ichigo and Uryuu receive a gift.

"This is your entire fault Kurosaki! If you hadn't been pawing at me like some desperate mutt, none of this-"

Ichigo drowns out Ishida's voice; months of practise had made him an expert on the concept, heck he could write a book on all the thoughts that his attention could stray to instead of having to suffer through the superior-than-thou tone of his boyfriend.

Not that he would ever actually write the book, considering he couldn't even complete his assignments on time.

Ah well.

At least he could list what he'd write about in his mind. Like protecting society, his Mom, keeping Jinta away from Yuzu, beating Tatsuki in a spar, his Mom, demolishing his Dad in a spar (with extra humiliation), demolishing hollows, coming up with as many jokes to mock Rukia's affliction of being a midget...especially with Renji around.

Hmm, demolish is a nice word.

The Shinigami's ever present scowl softens into a smirk as his mind ventures into an anthology of ideas, losing himself in his boredom.

However, this happens to be a mistake as Ishida pauses mid rant to fix him with a stare so full of disdain that his father would have been proud...'would' being the keyword. Because having a son who is known for having fits of near-manic sewing marathons isn't someone to be proud of. The fact that said son resides in the home of a Shinigami doesn't help matters. This is strengthened by the fact that the young Quincy also resides in the Shinigami's bed. So much for Ryuuken telling his one and only child to stay away from all Shinigami, kids these days.

"You weren't even paying attention?! Why do I even bother, everything I say goes through one ear and out of the other – but wait – it doesn't even go in in the first place considering your stupidity acts as a barrier. That hollow would make a better boyfriend than you." Ishida finishes, mumbling the final phrase in angered dismay.

Now a trickle of guilt enters Ichigo's conscience as he eyes Ishida's exhausted frame and overly pale complexion, the Quincy had been helping out Isshin with the surgery and paperwork, opting to work as an apprentice rather than at the hospital with Ryuuken. Evidently the rotating shifts and over achieving attitude were taking their toll.

He opens his mouth, preparing to say something comforting with an apology tacked on but a jeering tone fills his head before he can do so.

**Ya hear that King? He'd rather have me instead of you. Once you take over the role of Horse I'll get an extra bonus. Seems as though I'll be coming out on top soon, if ya know what I mean.**

An eyebrow twitches.

Thankfully Ichigo manages to ignore the presence (just barely) and goes on ahead with his profound apology.

"Sorry"

**Tch, that's it? Ya dumbass.**

"I mean," Ichigo hastily adds "I'll take some of the blame, it's not like you meant to mix up the prescription letters. I'm sure it's no big deal, dad does it every now and then." Ishida taps his foot impatiently. "Okay! I know I know, I shouldn't have kept you up all night, I'll restrain myself better next time!" He edges closer, arms raised in surrender.

"You looked cute in my t-shirt though, how was I supposed to not be tempted?" Ichigo tacks on, smiling now.

Ishida scoffs, but the Shinigami could tell from the telltale blush that he was getting flustered.

"I'm always wearing your t-shirts Kurosaki; don't use that as an excuse."

"Yeah, but it was the bright purple one with a cat wearing a buttoned sweater. And here I thought you despised it." Finally close enough, he draws Ishida into a hug, resting his chin on the inky strands and rubbing his back tenderly. "You should sleep in early, that way you'll feel better and get more rest."

"It's 5, that's way too early, anyway, Kurosaki-san gave me the day off tomorrow" He drew his arms behind Ichigo's neck and pulled him close for a moment before letting go. "Weren't you supposed to help out Tatsuki with her Karate Classes today?" He grabbed Ichigo's hand and pulled him out of the bedroom and into the hallway.

"I'm sure she'll be fine" came the answering reply in a dismissive manner "Don't you think its weird calling both me and dad 'Kurosaki' Uryuu, we've been together for a year, you know? "

"I do call you by your first name"

Before Ichigo could open his mouth and dissolve into an argument from saying something undoubtedly stupid, they hear loud knocking. Considering it was just the two of them at home (with the girls being at extra-curricular clubs and Isshin at a meeting) Ichigo made his way down and opened the door.

"Why the hell are you knocking? There's a doorbell right he – you!" He scowled down at Jinta, who scowled just as deeply in return. "Yuzu isn't here, and even if she was I wouldn't let her anywhere near you, you damn brat."

Jinta looked like he was going to yell obscenity in return but managed to hold it in. Instead, he turned around and pulled forward what looked like a giant pram and pushed it towards Ichigo. Reaching into his jacket's pocket he pulled out a creased pink envelope.

"Urahara wishes you a happy late 18th birthday as well as an early birthday to Ishida. And gives this gift that he has put much effort into" Now he looked as though he was barely containing his laughter. "Congratulations and have fun orange dipshit!" He hollered over his shoulder as he ran away.

Ichigo scowled in confusion, his birthday had been 4 months ago and Ishida's was in 3 days. But what was with the envelope and giant pram, couldn't Urahara come on Ishida's birthday and give it then? And what's with the congratulations?

He pulled the pram into the house and into the living room, only to jump in surprise at a sudden wailing sound coming from the pram. He pushed the top off and winced as the wailing amplified.

What the fuck?!

**Oh man, what's this? The hollow asked gleefully.**

Ishida walked into the room from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel. He gazed past Ichigo's frozen figure and at the pram "What's with the screaming Kuro- Oh?"

The wailing came to a halt. Ishida peered into the pram - and came face to face with an orange, black and white haired trio. The white haired one looked uninterested and kept quiet, whilst its black haired counterpart slept soundly. The orange haired one started to babble in recognition as sapphire met sapphire, reaching out its tiny hands to grip at the Archer's hair. When Ishida withdrew from the container so did the baby.

"Mamma" it cooed happily, bringing Ichigo out from his shock.

"What the hell is this?" he choked out.

"Why don't you read that letter you have in your hand" replied Ishida as he continued staring perplexed at the bundle in his arms.

Hands shaking a bit, Ichigo wondered why he was so unnerved. Maybe because those kids - they resembled Uryuu and himself so much. He had a sneaking suspicion as to why they did so and smoothed out the letter, struggling to remember when he had taken it out of the pink envelope.

_**My beloved Uryuu...and Ichigo** _

I'm guessing you're very surprised and confused at the moment? Hahaha, not to worry, I shall explain everything to you.

It started out this one afternoon, I kept thinking about Mayuri, Nemu and Ururu (No not like that, that's just wrong) and decided that I should create a new life form, so *tada* I realised that I could manipulate enough reiatsu from two people do some science/alchemy shizz and create a life form. Eh, your birthday had just passed Ichigo and I knew yours is still coming up Uryuu so I gathered your reiatsu and did what I had to do to bring forth another phase to your relationship: Parenthood! Congratulations!

I've already named the three boys so you'd feel guilty if you try giving them back (No refunds! Looking at you Ichigo -_-)...and because I made them that means I get to name them.

White = Jun (I found it ironic to call him this haha, he's far from 'obedient') Orange = Shirou (from some sword/magic visual novel I was reading, you can't change this) Black = Masato (I figured you'd like a name similar to your mothers Ichigo)

It also feels good to be the creator of my new subjects (and to shove this in Mayuri's face!). Praise me or face the consequences. Such as me getting them to acknowledge that I'm their real father figure hahaha! It would be a real shame for you if I stole your title Ichigo... ;)

Just so you know, I've sped up their growth rate to exactly the age of 18 months, I made sure to show them your reiatsu as well so they're able to familiarise with you, this makes things much easier for the two of you. Hmm, I'm forgetting something - oh right - I also taught them a few words and purposely manoeuvred certain characteristics. I hope you're pleased with the fruits of my labour. (I'm sure you are) Okay? Nice.

No need to thank me! (But if you really want to, I have a few experiments to try out on a certain special Shinigami~)

_**Uncle Urahara (ooh alliteration) ;)** _

Ichigo's fists shook with rage as he passed the letter to Ishida and walked in the direction of the door; the Quincy stared at him in alarm and tried to speak.

**Ohohoho, nice! That Jun one takes after his father real well, ya know...me. The hollow began to cackle wildly.**

Ichigo had shunpoed to a certain someone's shop before Ishida could get the first syllable of his name out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure where I'm going with this but I have a few more ideas to write about. I almost made this an actual Mpreg but I couldn't take it seriously enough, besides, the idea of clone children gave me MGS vibes. And yep, Ichigos dumb enough not to realise that a pram usually contains a baby xD
> 
> (Bullshit clone explanation is bullshit from ooc Urahara*teehee*.)


	2. Strike While The Iron Is Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ichigo arrives at the Urahara shop to deliver his thanks.

"Urahara!"

The resonances of thumping footsteps accompany the enraged call, disturbing the once peaceful atmosphere.

"Ah, Ichigo" The shop owner calls out from behind his fan, knowing the young Shinigami would be able to sense his obvious amusement. "Didn't I state in the letter that there's no need to thank me? And here you've come in person. I feel so blessed."

The vexation on Ichigo's face is apparent when he slams the door leading from the shop and into the retired Shinigami's private furnishings.

"Here to thank you? Thank you?! Why the fuck would I say thanks to someone who's trying to ruin my life?" Hands reach up to grip harshly at coarse spiky hair, if only to stop themselves from destroying the surrounding furniture. Eyes turn from glaring a hole through a certain fan to taking notice of a figure slowly edging his way out of the door leading to a hallway.

"Damn brat! You're in on this too!"

Jinta halts and raises his arms in surrender.

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger" The snarky tone adds to Ichigo's agitation. "You really need anger management classes, carrot head. I'm surprised you're not single yet because at the rate you're going, trash won't be the only thing getting dumped around here" His eyes narrow with spiteful intention "Oh, but wait...you are trash."

A choking noise comes out from Urahara's direction as he almost spills the tea he is pouring into a cup. Someone else decides to pipe up.

**Well shit, he's good. Are ya just gonna stand here and take that?**

"At least I'm already dating someone, you little shit. At the rate you're going-" Ichigo parroted "-you'll remain single for the rest of your life."

"Go jump of a cliff!"

"If I did, I'd most likely survive, can't say the same for you though."

"Go fuck a cactus, you pumpkin haired fucker!"

"Why don't you, it's the only thing you'll be able to get laid with!" **Hey, ya do know you're cussing at a 14 year old right?** "Besides, why would I need a cactus when I have Uryuu?"

"Ha! I bet you're not the only one screwing him!"

**If only there could be popcorn in this skyscraper hell.** The hollow sighs desolately. **I think I'll get the butter flavoured kind once I'm King.**

"Why you little-" Ichigo starts on the red haired boy, only to stop. He sighs, drained from the constant pressure coming from the hollow, the injustice of a surprise fatherhood trial, the smugness radiating from Urahara and the sudden craving for buttered popcorn.

The shop keeper motions at the mat placed opposite to where he was serving tea.

"I see you've calmed down. Here, have some cake with your tea." He pushed a plate laden with cakes towards him; Ichigo half-heartedly took a bite out of a blue and white sprinkled cupcake out of politeness. He tried not to think of how the cupcake reminded him of a Quincy he knew.

Jinta took the opportunity to go back to his mission of sneaking casually out of the room. Heh, he thought, at least I wore him down for Captain Candy Creep.

"Well Ichigo, I'll be honest with you. To be frank: I was bored." Kisuke shrugged at the baleful look he was given. "I was going over a few new creations and it just wasn't enough. So I focused on the people around me. At first, I was going to prank Rukia and Abarai with Ururu's existence. Notice how she resembles Rukia?" Ichigo nodded warily."I was going to add Jinta to the mix; however I'm not his creator...sadly. He's just my shop assistant."

Ichigo blinked.

"Huh? I thought you'd produced him or something." Urahara tipped his hat upwards and grinned.

"What? Haha, he's a normal kid with a normal family, well not completely normal. His abnormally high reiatsu was alerting hollows constantly, so I brought him under my tutelage."

A yell reached their ears.

"Stop talking shit about me, and tell him what he came for jeez!"

Urahara coughed lightly as Ichigo realised that he was being distracted.

"So if you wanted to help out with my relationship, why make three of them? I mean, threes a crowd, right?"

"I got carried away." A pause and Ichigo's anger makes a return when he notices the other man's shoulders shaking with laughter. "Ah! But wait, look at these!" Urahara reaches under the table and takes out a book, handing it over eagerly. "After I accelerated their ages, Tessai took some pictures recording their activity and behaviour."

Ichigo turns the pages slowly. It seems as though Masato takes after Isshin. Most of the images consisted of him punching anything his tiny fists could reach, as well as lazily sleeping once he was exhausted. He seemed easily excitable and hyper, constantly happy. Ichigo smirks at an image of him kicking Urahara in the face as he held him.

Shirou, on the other hand, clung tightly to a white blanket emblazoned with a blue cross persistently, scowling at the camera in distrust and confusion.

"Ah yes, Shirou" Urahara commented as he noticed where Ichigo's attention focused on. "I'll bet he's already clinging to Uryuu at this very moment. While I was working on getting him acquainted with yours and his reiatsu, he rejected yours and instead focused entirely on his 'mamma'." The man smiled teasingly. "He's like a replica of you. I recall Isshin telling me about how you did the same with Masaki."

Ichigo frowned. "They look way too much like me though. Shirou has Uryuu's eyes but Masato and Jun have mine. Their hair is spiked similarly to mine too. What's up with that?" He felt disappointed with the fact that none of them had inherited the silky strands he admired so greatly.

Urahara scratched his chin distractedly. "I suppose I overdid it when balancing the reiatsu levels. It was pretty difficult in the first place to influence the genes and growth. I'm just relieved that I didn't accidently give them an extra toe or finger. Haha not that I would ever let that happen of course, I am, after all, a certified genius." He smiled to himself giddily, mumbling about kings, minions and mind control. Ichigo was starting to get completely unnerved when the shop keeper finally snapped out of the stupor he had sunk into.

"Anyways," he continued like nothing was out of the ordinary. "You should watch out for Jun. Notice how there aren't any pictures of him included? He's a complete rascal, well all three are a handful but he just takes the cake." he snickers at his own pun.

"Jun destroyed one of my cameras when we tried taking a picture of him by overwhelming it with his powers. Out of all of them, I'd say Shirou inherited a more powerful combination, when I said he's like you I wasn't exaggerating. But his powers are more dormant at his current state; he's most likely to awaken his powers when highly emotional. Jun is really mischievous, he'll probably spite you just because he can, haha, he's an awful lot like your inner hollow! He even has white hair...though that's obviously due to his connection to Ryuuken."

Ichigo grimaced as the words registered.

**Ya hear that? That's my boy!** A furious round of clapping resounded. The hollow had obviously ignored the last bit about Ryuuken. **Once I'm King, I'll teach him everything I know! Eh, I guess I'll still have to watch over the other two brats, if only to appease my pretty Quincy.** He continued to shriek joyfully then mumble to himself.

Ichigo began to feel unnerved again.

"Now just before you leave, here are some of the kids' belongings." The older man walked out of the room calling behind himself "The other things were packed with the pram, but I knew you'd rush your way over here for an explanation." He came back with a cardboard box, decorated with bright colours and drawings that seemed to have been drawn by Tessai. "Masato's pretty obsessed with this box, so don't throw it away, anyways, it's best to walk home rather than shunpo your way back."

Ichigo's brows furrowed in uncertainty as he was handed the box, it was surprisingly heavy for what contained baby's belongings.

"There's a punching bag in there, as well as weights" Urahara commented noticing his expression. "Now," he continued, patting the young man on the back with pride. "Go home and be a family man."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the presence of a group of hollows picked up nearby.

"Well, I guess you'll have to be a family man after you take care of them first."

 

/

 

When Ichigo finally reached the front door of the clinic, it was well past seven.

It had taken him a while to find buttered popcorn.

He could hear squealing and laughter coming from the living room as he stepped in the house. Gripping onto the box after taking off his shoes, he made his way closer to the sounds, an expectation already forming in his mind.

Sure enough, when he stepped into the room and looked at the couch, Masato was landing punches on his granddad's hands, while Isshin wailed compliments praising the boy's strength and name similar to his grandmother's. Evidently, Isshin had taken a shine to them already.

Yuzu sat beside Isshin, flushed and laughing in merriment as she watched their antics.

Jealousy blossomed within the Shinigami as he noticed Shirou seated on Uryuu's lap, who'd already sewn a few articles of clothing for the trio. Ichigo felt both impressed and annoyed at his boyfriend's speed at creating clothes that fast. Uryuu was preoccupied placing a purple hat with strawberries etched on onto Shirou's head who, in turn was repeatedly trying to clamber his way up to grab his hair, pushing the hat out of the way in distaste.

Ichigo looked towards the carpet placed in front of the TV where Karin rolled a mini soccer ball towards Jun, who'd push it back.

Upon receiving the ball, Jun was about to give it back when he took notice of his dad looking around the room in a daze, disbelief and resignation written all over his face.

The boy decided to say hello by throwing the ball directly at his eye.


	3. The Apple Does Not Fall Far From The Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kon makes an entrance.

Ichigo glowers at his bedroom ceiling with an intensity that could set ice on fire.

It surely would have been more menacing if his right eye wasn't covered with an icepack, the swollen visual underneath was pulsing, sending constant waves of pain towards his brain. Of course, this was nothing compared to injuries that he'd gotten in the past, considering he'd freaking died and all but the combined effort of a certain someone's absence and booming headache was starting to seriously piss him of.

At this rate, he'd have to take Jinta's warning of anger management classes into consideration.

He sat up in his bed, pushing himself up to stare resentfully at the carpet after removing the icepack. So much for Uryuu sleeping in early, he thought.

The Quincy had ignored his plight entirely, instead scooping Jun up when he began to wail after Ichigo had yelled at him (the yelling being a reflex to the attack).

**Yo.**

Currently, the others were decorating in the room next to his. It was usually the room Uryuu escaped to after an argument with Ichigo, choosing to spend the night there in order to spite him.

Except now they were filling it up with the babies' belongings, painting the walls and fixing up a giant circular cot, causing the Shinigami to understand that there was no point in trying to convince them to place the brats elsewhere.

**Hey.**

Away from the house that is.

**Hey King.**

Because now, his family had already become attached to the trio in just under seven hours, and were treating Ichigo as if he were a dastardly criminal for shouting just a little at a baby who isn't even a real baby.

**Stop being a horse.**

On the bright side, at least Uryuu won't have that room to escape to...never mind. He'd probably stay in there with the kids if the cot really is as big as he thinks it is. He was sure that whatever grudge the other was holding would last awhile.

**Wow man, can ya stop being a horse maybe?**

Damnit why? Why has everyone turned on him so suddenly? He's the hero, protecting everyone with a vigour that's unmatched by anyone! Can't they see that he didn't shout at the demon spawn on purpose? That the need to fight is instilled so deep in him that he responded without really thinking? It's not fair!

**I said ya need to stop being a horse, not be a bigger one.**

"How the fuck is calling me horse an insult!?"

The noises in the next room pause and Ichigo smacks his forehead with his palm. Great, now everyone would think he's going crazy. Just as soon as Ichigo begins another internal rant, a creaking sound comes from the window.

A stuffed lion makes his way in, plopping onto the bed face-first in haste. Stuffing is hanging out from rips strewn across its body and the material is smudged with mud and other questionable substances – evidently Kon has gone through some ordeal.

"Ichigo," he groans wearily "I'm back at last."

"Huh? Back, back from where?" Ichigo replies without missing a beat.

"What? You don't remember what I told you!?"

"Nah"

"Ichigoooo, what kind of friend are you? Wait, not even some friend, we're family. I'm your brother damnit! And brothers listen to each other, they notice when the other is missing for two whole weeks!" Kon wailed in dismay, flinging himself at his uncaring roommate. "You're supposed to remember that I had a quest I was trying to complete...my quest to find true love!"

"How did it go?"

Kon spluttered, his paws gesturing wildly at himself.

"How do you think it went? How? How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes, I've got no where to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away." He threw himself onto a pillow, punching into it repeatedly, his voice now singing rather than speaking normally.

Ichigo stares at him in confusion as the singing continues.

"It's getting lonely living upside down. I don't even wanna be in this town." The plush lion's voice transforms into a yell "Cut my life into pieces! This is my last resort! Suffoca-" His voice gets cut off as Ichigo uses the other pillow to smother him.

"Will you shut up already? You're starting to freak me out. I knew I shouldn't have let you listen to Karin's playlists. Trust me; I already have enough on my plate as it is. I mean, about that brother thing you said, well I guess this makes you an uncle." Kon stopped flailing at once.

When Ichigo removed the pillow he continued to lie still for a few long seconds before whizzing around to leap onto the other's face.

"An uncle, you say? You have a kid huh, but wait...doesn't it take 9 months for a baby to be born? Wow, males must be different; it only took two weeks for Ishida to give birth! It must be because he's a Quincy."

Ichigo froze in horror as Kon's words washed over him, it felt like he was drowning as a scenario came to the front of his mind.

 

/

 

His hand is being squeezed. Ichigo is pretty sure his hand is dead, welp; I'll never masturbate with this ever again, or stab hollows he thinks to himself.

"Damn you, Kurosaki!" Now Ichigo was sure it was gonna fall off.

Ah man, he looked down at his secondary sword, why did you betray me dude? Now I'm back into this mess.

The cries of a baby reach his ears. The cries become louder and louder, to the point of deafening him.

A disconnection occurs and suddenly he is drowning once more.

 

/

 

With a yelp he flung Kon away from him.

"What the hell man, that's impossible, just where did you learn that guys can get pregnant? Because they can't, biology says no. Stop putting weird images in my head." Ichigo shook his head, trying to visualize something else to get the pictures out, but he only manages to put in even more disturbing ones.

Why on God's earth would Kenpachi hang out with a bald guy howling about power levels and scouters? Why would they form a band with a troll haired midget and Hanataro?

"Ah, I'm guessing you adopted then." Kon mused.

The Shinigami sighs and proceeds to explain his woeful circumstances.

Kon stares blankly when he finishes.

"You have to introduce me to them." he says, then races towards the door.

"Woah, just wait a moment will you. Everyone's busy fixing up their room."

 

/

 

Ichigo winces, hand braced on the door handle, the accusing glares would start as soon as he steps through the door. Kon nudges his leg impatiently, saying without words to hurry up and get a move on.

Luckily, his dad and sisters have gone to bed by the looks of things. The room has become exceedingly colourful; the walls are painted in stripes of purple, green and red. In a corner, Masato's punching bag is attached to the ceiling; tiny weights lay on a pile beside it on the fluffy carpet. In another corner toys and picture books lay scattered about, placed next to a wardrobe.

Ishida sits in the centre of the cradle, which naturally, is placed in the centre of the room, big enough to accommodate another adult sized person. He looks over at Ichigo and rolls his eyes exasperatedly, pushing his glasses upwards as he does so.

"Well Kurosaki, are you just going to stand there? They won't bite." He glances down at Kon. "I told you that going on your quest would be futile, we'll have to replace some of your stuffing and stitch you back up"

The mod soul rushes and jumps onto the soft bedding, ignoring Ishida's cries of how filthy he is. Karma makes sure that he gets at good as he gives, he cries out as his arm becomes damp.

"No, Masato don't bite him, he's covered in mud and... weird white substances. Disgusting, just where have you been Kon?" Ishida wrestles Kon from Masato's curious grasp, placing him near the edge to keep him away. The baby screams out Kon's name.

Kon gasps dramatically in response and begins to cry.

"I can't believe it! I'm finally being acknowledged! Hat and Clogs must have taught you my name. I'm so honoured, so blessed, so very pleased. Masatoooo~" He leaps at the boy in glee.

Ichigo edges closer, half-expecting an object to be flung at his undamaged eye. Glaring at Jun, who turns away from playing with Shirou to beam at him, he climbs into the crib and settles down next to his partner. Ishida sidles up closer, pressing against his arm.

Relieved that the Quincy doesn't seem mad, he wraps an arm around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry for earlier."

"Wow Kurosaki, that's twice you're apologizing today, I believe you've set a record. I'm impressed" Uryuu smiles teasingly, eyes crinkling at the corners. "Its okay, you were shaken up earlier when you were reading the letter and a bombshell this big has been dropped on you so I understand why you're angry. You might not want them but" His smile drops momentarily to make a threatening expression. "We're keeping them."

The Shinigami nods at him; having already gathered that there was no point in saying otherwise. He'd just get labeled the bad guy again (and get called a horse).

So when the younger boy smiles up at him in relief he bends down to kiss him, only to recoil as a voice screams "No!" and a tiny hand smacks his jaw. Annoyed, he glares down at Shirou, who makes an effort to remove his arm from Ishida.

"Mamma" He sobs as his tugs do nothing to aid his task. He leans down to bite at the arm instead.

Ishida sighs.

"I wish he'd stop calling me that."

Ichigo grabs his lookalike, bringing him up so he could stare directly into the watery eyes. Shirou's face is screwed up in resentment, red from stress and rage.

"Listen mini me. I ain't gonna have you cockblocking me at every turn."

"Kurosaki, don't use that kind of language around them!"

Shirou kicks him and struggles, Masato cheers in glee at the display of violence and crawls from manhandling Kon to squeeze between his parents. Jun makes his way over too, a toy Menos Grande in hand. He shakes it at Ichigo threateningly.

"You better not you little shit if you know what's best for you."

Ishida sighs again as he is overcome with fatigue.

"This won't end well."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs that Kon was singing:  
> Simple Plan - Untitled  
> Simple Plan - Jet Lag  
> Papa Roach - Last Resort


	4. Self-Praise Stinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinta pines, Ichigo whines and Urahara reclines. But not for long.

Jinta barely manages to avoid walking straight into a streetlamp; he'd been so transfixed on Yuzu's eyes that it felt like his brain temporarily shut down, pushing every other meaningless thing that didn't orbit around her out of mind.

Unwittingly, a smile would always be displayed within her presence and when he realised what expression he was making, he'd find himself full of wonder at how easy it is to forget self-consciousness. It was rare for Jinta to display such positive emotions, because for as long as he could remember, he'd always been shouting and scowling, pushing anyone willing to give him a chance out of reach.

If people only see him as a brat then he'd make sure to exceed their expectations, hell-bent on topping previous acts of insolence.

However, his persona changes whenever a bright haired girl comes into reach.

At first, he'd tried acting as tough as he always did, but something about the girl made him melt faster than a tub of ice-cream placed in the Sahara Desert. How was he supposed to resist a Goddess of such sweetness? Being by her side made him want to prove himself and do _something_ , but he still hasn't figured out what exactly he's trying to prove.

"Jinta!" the sweet voice immediately draws his attention and he blinks out of his enraptured musings. "Watch out for-"

THUNK

Three minutes later Jinta finds himself blinking up at Yuzu's concerned face hovering above his own. She opens her mouth, evidently to share her knowledge on injuries and possible concussions but he works faster.

Jumping up, he brandishes the most dashing pose he can, back straightened and head held high, a forced grin is added once he begins to sway dangerously.

"Ahaha looks like I'm just fine. So there's no need to worry my Godde- I mean Yuzu! Meep-" Head reeling with black spots in his vision, Jinta tilts over to meet the ground once more.

 

/

 

A vein throbs repeatedly on Ichigo's forehead as he squints at the whiteboard, struggling to make out the barely legible writing on what the next medical genetics assignment would entail.

It was almost as if the old hag had done it on purpose, writing in the most infuriating manner with her shit handwriting.

Ichigo wonders, not for the first time, if he should have just done an apprenticeship. There were many pros to this idea considering: One - he'd get to spend more time with Uryuu. Two - he'd get hands on experience at a workplace. Three – no damn assignments and no damn professors. And four – the prospect of kinky uniformed shenanigans.

On the other hand, the cons would have him working at dads. With dad. At home. All day. Which left the other option, working at the Hospital, and if he worked there then he'd have to deal with Ryuuken.

No fucking thanks.

A chill goes down the Shinigami's spine, remembering the man's disdainful and dismissive attitude matched with Uryuu's equally reluctant bitchy behaviour when bumping into the man at a cafe. The man obviously knew about their relationship and didn't approve.

Which is pretty shit of him, the guy hangs out with Isshin who happens to be a Shinigami - an ex-Shinigami sure but it's practically the same thing – and still looks down on the residents of Soul Society.

Or maybe it's just him.

What a prick. Is he going to ignore his own grandkids when he finds out about them?

Uh, he didn't just think that right now. And he didn't just worry about the brats like a doting father who wants each and every associate to acknowledge their existence and shower them with compliments, piling on heaps of praise about their dashing looks and cuteness. There's no way he'd ever behave like that.

THUNK.

Shaken out of his thoughts by the sound of a ruler hitting paper, Ichigo looks up to meet the bespectacled glare of that heavily wrinkled professor he'd had for a year and still doesn't know the name of. At least he knows she has shit handwriting.

"Kurosaki, would you mind explaining why there are doodles of children and hearts on your booklet instead of what I've written on the board?"

What?

Looking back down, he sees it and blanches. Oh the shame. If he were to compare it to anything, he'd be able to find an exact replica from a 12 year old girl picturing her imagined kids with her crush. Preparing to dish out an excuse, he meets the old hag's eyes once more and opens his mouth to explain.

**Relax King; I'll take care of this.**

Minutes later and blinking in confusion, he realises that the woman's face has turned an alarming shade of puce as she splutters in fury.

What the hell did you say to her!? Ichigo can _feel_ the Hollow gloat and dreads the response.

**Oh, not much. Merely every bad thought ya've ever thought but never had the guts to say out loud.**

Seconds later, a brightly clothed man jumps over a desk in haste to reach the classroom door and escape the shrill shrieking and flying ruler.

 

/

 

When Jinta next awakens, it's to a gentle weight on his chest and familiar high pitched babbling, cracking one eye open he immediately groans at the sight of drool.

"Ah man, I thought I was through babysitting you guys." Trying not to jostle Jun off his chest, the boy carefully sits up, ignoring the lurching in his stomach and throbbing in his head.

"Keep still. You hit your head rather hard and will be feeling nauseous for a while." Hands prop the pillows up behind him and Jinta fights off dizziness with the intention of matching a face to the stern voice.

"Ishida-san?"

"You don't seem to be in bad shape but it's better to be safe than sorry. I'll call your parents and let them know you'll be staying here for the night." Ishida ignores him in favour of reaching over to turn his head and instructing while shining a light into his eyes.

When finished, he further instructs him to eat from a tray sitting on the bedside before sitting himself at a desk to complete paperwork.

Coming to full awareness, Jinta reaches a hand to touch the bandages on his forehead and realises he is in a room at the Kurosaki Clinic.

Letting Jun play with his hands, the boy curiously watches the Quincy, recalling that Ishida has never fallen prey to his attempts of getting a rise out of the other when working at the shop with Urahara. Unlike that orange bastard who manages to flip out faster than a pancake at the slightest insult. The fact that the two are together is odd...but strangely fitting.

Meh, whatever. They deserve each other. Jinta shrugs to himself and shovels rice and fish into his mouth, giving some to Jun when the other opens his mouth in expectation.

The door slides open and Yuzu steps through, clutching a cross-looking Shirou to her chest.

"Uryuu- niichan," she cries "I tried putting him to sleep but he doesn't want to!"

"Is Masato asleep?"

"Yeah, he fell asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow."

"Hm, perhaps he's still hungry."

"Maybe, he didn't finish his porridge from earlier."

"Hand him over to me. He isn't hungry, just cranky."

Surprised, both Ishida and Yuzu turn to look over at the expectant outstretched arms and furrowed brows.

"You know how to take care of children." Ishida states with interest as Yuzu places Shirou next to Jun.

"Well yeah, do you really think Captain Candy Creep would spend all day mothering over three babies, changing their nappies and catering to their every need?" Jinta strokes a hand over Shirou's head repeatedly and the toddler begins to settle down.

"Touché" Ishida looks mildly impressed. "I suppose only you and Tessai-san did all the work then."

"That's right. Ururu would flinch and run away to hide every time they cried, so she was basically useless." Shirou was fast asleep now, dozing with his thumb in his mouth.

"Wow, you're really good with children Jinta!"

Jinta tries and fails not to blush, he avoids looking in Ishida's direction who he can tell is smirking knowingly.

"Uh, anyway," he tries changing the subject "How did I get here? You couldn't have carried me here Yuzu."

"Ah no, we were close here, so I ran in to get Uryuu-niichan." Barely containing herself, Yuzu continues. "I'm going to become a Quincy, that's what I was going to tell you earlier Jinta."

"You are?"

"Mm hm! Even Karin is ahead of me when it comes to sensing danger so I want to learn how to protect myself. I'm planning on asking Ishida-san to train me;" she pumps her fist "I'm sure if I show him my pride in becoming a Quincy, he'll agree."

"You should join her," Ishida says flashing a smirk "Maybe Ryuuken will mellow out if he has students to train, and your high reiatsu is sure to interest him if you keep being persistent."

"U-um yeah, if Yuzu wants me to, then I will."

"Yay! At this rate we can end up with a Quincy army." As Yuzu beams prettily at him, Jinta knows he'll do whatever she asks of him. He'll be sure to be skilful and impress her, winning her heart in the process.

"A Quincy army - that sounds familiar." Ishida muses to himself.

 

/

 

Once again, the door slides open. This time, Ichigo slinks in with a dark cloud hanging over his head and throws himself onto the bed beside Jinta's.

"Ichi-nii, what's wrong?" Yuzu. She sounds worried. Like usual.

Ichigo groans incoherently into the pillow.

"Did something happen at uni carrot top?" Jinta. Wait, what the hell is he doing here?

Ichigo punches into the pillow with one fist and groans louder.

"Did you offend your teacher again Kurosaki?" Uryuu. He sounds kind of annoyed.

Ichigo raises his head and starts to answer-

"Horse."

Stupefied, Ichigo rivets his gaze to Jun who points at him and repeats what he said.

"Horse."

It is only now that the Shinigami completely understands the situation. As he stares at Jun, he notes what's off about the brat. The white hair, that spiteful behaviour, those chilling smiles and...Is it just him or do the kid's eyes look more yellow than brown?

Reaching into his pocket to clutch at his badge, Ichigo hardens his resolve.

"BANKAI"

 

/

 

Sprawled lazily on his futon and snickering into the hat resting on his face, Urahara takes note of his favourite Shinigami (read: test subject) and the fluctuating reiatsu coming off of him.

"Ooh. I've bamboozled him good." He giggles to himself. Surely, Ichigo is freaking out about the name calling. Oh, what a good idea it had been, to teach the trio certain words and the art of pissing off anyone on a whim. And what a good teacher he is, managing to teach them so perfectly.

The ex-Shinigami mentally pats himself on his back. Hm, that doesn't feel right. Perhaps he should ask Tessai to actually pat him on his back. And tell him how clever he is.

The bell on the shop's counter rings.

"Oi Tessai, there's someone in the shop!" No response. Urahara sighs; the other man must be buying groceries. After getting up and stretching, he feels a carefully balanced reiatsu waver nearby and freezes in astonishment at the level of ire encased in that flicker.

Uh oh.

Inching closer into the store, he uses his hat as a shield and peeks in to see if his suspicions are correct.

Peeking over striped material, Urahara knows that if looks could kill, he'd be – oh wait. Technically, he's already dead.

"Explain yourself." Ryuuken demands, his words a low growl.

"Meep!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the long wait! Far too many things were getting in the way of updating sooner, but rest assured, I have no plans of abandoning this *thumbs up pose* Updates will be sporadic though so please bear with me :)


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